january josephine

i am limited, and i am not really trying to re-establish normalcy, because i’ve never experienced it and it doesn’t feel compelling to me. Susan (my therapist) is okay with this, and says it’s okay for me to seek the life i want, and not the life everyone else wants or thinks i should want.

before i found out i can’t have children, a little part of me was hopeful that i could somehow “pass” as normal and find a husband, but i was never very enthusiastic about the prospect and now realize those feelings were just my biological clock ticking away, telling me to have a baby. i didn’t want a husband, i wanted what a husband could do for me, that is, give me a baby.

Susan used a term from psychology that i like, and i think I’m about to look up: “fully realized”.

i have definitely heard that term before, and i have an intuitive understanding of what it means, but it’s also “shrink lingo” i think, and it makes me curious.

my fantasy for myself is to become “fully realized” as a rape and torture slut, with a Dom in control who is very tough and formal, and intimidating enough to keep me from straying, but also to keep me 100% safe. in my mind he would let all kinds of dangerous men use me for sick things – maybe he would even earn money from my abuse – and i would have zero control over it. none, zero. meaning i would have to do things i don’t want, and be hurt in ways that don’t always get my engine purring.

it’s hard to explain why it’s such a crucial part of my sex needs to have things happen to me that i don’t like. it’s almost as if it’s the central need, the most important need of all. to not necessarily like it, and have no possible way to stop it.

i think there is a way to experience horrible sensations as being sexually and erotically charged, and to enjoy them. I have actually gotten wet – soaking wet – having my teeth drilled at the dentist. if i can’t stop it, and it’s going to happen anyway, i believe i can experience almost any sensation erotically. or any emotion… overwhelming humiliation, for example, or deep shame and guilt. or fear. even being rejected by God, which as a very devout young person was really the worst thing that had ever happened to me. but it was sexually thrilling! my devastating failure as a Christian actually became an excruciatingly erotic experience for me.

when i was abducted, before i knew i was safe and that Harpo (my abductor) was not a psycho, i experienced dread. that’s different than fear… dread is too heavy for me, it implies too heavy a possibility of fatal consequences. the thought of actually dying gives me another feeling that is incompatible with sexual feeling. having to think about the possibility of death becomes a layer of emotional complexity for me that overrides my sexual feelings.

but also the feeling of being responsible for hurting others. hurting a child would be the very worst of course, but hurting anyone or traumatizing anyone. even hurting someone’s feelings is massively confusing for me.

i could never be a Dom, even though i take great pleasure in what BaronSamadi has called “auto-sadism”. my masochism is very much an urge to punish a female body… it just happens to be particularly convenient that i have one of my own!

do you think Satan is an aspect of God? i knew a person who was into Wicca and tarot cards and stuff like that, and who said the Devil is just another aspect of God. she said a lot of interesting things, for instance that sorrow is just the flip side of joy, and you should embrace your sorrow. i did actually find this line of reasoning helpful. but then she said that good/evil, sin/virtue, joy/sorrow etc. are what she called “false dichotomies”, meaning that thinking of them as opposites is the wrong way to look at it, meaning it is inaccurate.

it was just one conversation, a really long time ago, but i’ve been puzzling over these ideas for years.

i think pain/pleasure is a false dichotomy for me, and that consensual/nonconsensual might be one as well. there are so many things i don’t want to do, and would never do. but when i think of being forced to do them, I am overwhelmed with irresistible, urgent need.